"I Never Bought You Tavern Ham"

Yesterday, I posted this photo on Facebook:

Here is the caption I included:

"Childhood flashback: My MOM was/is notorious for buying something in bulk the moment you say you like it. I ate more tavern ham in my youth than should be allowed. You guessed it, I no longer eat tavern ham and will not be purchasing any this week at Publix."

Then my MOM and I had a conversation about how she never bought me Tavern ham. Ummmm...let me fill you in on this. She alternated between Krakus ham and Tavern ham with me. I took a sandwich for lunch pretty much everyday to school (with a swiss cake roll, that inevitably went to Erika because I could not possibly eat another one) so I think I know what type of lunch meat I was eating. Also, I was usually the one that had to stand and wait for it at the deli counter. 

If you ever tell my MOM that you like something you will eat it, in bulk, for all the days of your life. No, not her life, your life, because she has bought enough to last that long. It was always the running joke in our house that you were to never tell her you liked something.

Once, my brother mentioned he liked strawberry, I don't even know if he specified the strawberry product, but all I do know is that one day his lunch was peanut butter and strawberry jelly, strawberries and strawberry pop. He almost turned into a strawberry. For real.

While I do like to pick on my MOM about this, I was pretty lucky to have a MOM that stockpiled on everything that we liked, even to the point of making us not like it anymore. 

I'm 27 and my MOM still embarrasses me...

I'm 27 years old, almost 28, which is almost 30 which may as well be 40, but I digress. Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, I'm 27 and still has conversations with my mother that make me think she does not see me as this:

But rather as this:



Or....this:



Anyway, I would like to share with you one of these conversations, trust me it is far more embarrassing for me to share this than for her to read this.

So I called her the other night and as we were talking she mentioned that she had just bought my Grandma some new sports bras and she didn't like them so she wanted to know if I wanted them. Here's the conversation:

MOM: Hey do you want these sports bras that I got for Grandma? I can't take them back.

Me: Because you opened them?

MOM: Well, that and I had to write her name in them (side note: my Grandma is in a nursing home so all of her items need to be marked).

Me: Sure I guess, I mean what size are they?

MOM: Medium, you're the only one with small enough boobs.

Me: (awkward silence, then awkward laugh): Awesome...thanks MOM.

MOM: So you want them?

Me: Sure.....

So as if that conversation wasn't enough, the sheer thought that I will be running around with sports bras that have my Grandma's name in permanent marker in them. Should I collapse in the middle of the road or whatever this is what the hot squad at station 33 will see.

The story continues....

So Scott the kids and I were all playing an awesome game of Candyland when my phone rings, it's my MOM. After we finish I call her back and this is the conversation:

MOM: (Already laughing) I had to call and tell you this (laughing some more) I was putting those bras away in your drawer (let me stop here and explain something, the room that used to be my bedroom has all new furniture in it, therefore not making it my room and/or my drawer, yet it will always be referred to as my drawer) and I noticed the tag say barely there (cue the crazy can barely breathe laughing).

Me: (pause) Awesome...glad you're laughing...

MOM: Oh after a day like I had I needed that laugh. BARELY THERE!!!! (more laughing)

Me: Happy to help....glad my small nonexistent boobs made you laugh.

MOM: Well they were big when you were pregnant.

Me: AWESOME thanks MOM.

End scene...

Have I mentioned I'm almost 28? At least she did get a really good laugh out of the situation. I know the transition of moving my Grandma from her apartment into the nursing home has taken a lot out of her, glad my small chest could help.