My real life Jerry Springer experience, no seriously

So I have to tell you about my experience at Labcorp today. If you follow me on Twitter, I'm sure you've read all about it. It was seriously one of the craziest, almost out of body, experiences of my life. Let me set the scene.....a cold, all white, harsh fluorescent lighting room filled with more than 10 people, half being over the age of 70 and magazines from 2008/2009.

So I walk in thinking, hey this can't be that bad right? I mean sure there's a lot of people here, but it'll go fast, right? I get to the check in, sign in and the....wait I'm thinking of what I want to call her....broad behind the desk (promise, nicest thing I can say) tells me to sit down and she'll be with me in a minute. I had no idea "minute" translates to 30 minutes. No joke. She finally calls me up to get my paperwork (oh yeah haven't even given her this stuff yet) and insurance card. Then she says she needs my ID, insurance card and...wait for it...a credit card in case my insurance decides to deny the claim. I'm sorry, what? I told her I have no copay, they cover everything. Still needed to give her my card. Um, ok lady.

So while all of this is going on there's this lady, we'll name her Ms. Springer (you'll see why in a minute) in a huge cutout t-shirt (think 2 sizes to large), mesh bra hanging out, daisy dukes and hot pink sandals. The sandals made the outfit by the way. Oh and she was no runway model, not that I think that was up for discussion. Anywho, she's sitting there with her boyfriend/husband/baby daddy whatever he was and she gets on the phone (loud talker by the way. Obvious I know) talking to who knows, but tells them she can't hang out with her brother in law because her boyfriend person doesn't like her hanging out with other men. Digest that. Ok, so the guy even goes "yeah I don't like you hanging out with no other men, I'm the only man in your life". Again, digest. She hangs up and then proceeds to make another call to Lord only knows and it goes something like this "Well she can't get an ID because of that warrant she has. You know I wish at least one person in our family was good, but that ain't gonna happen now is it?" Say what? Then her and the guy she's with get into a full on verbal argument in the middle of the waiting room and she yells at him "Well you owe me 900 bucks!" and he storms out. I wish I was making this up, but seriously you cannot make it up, it's that crazy!

The moments following were a blur. I couldn't tweet fast enough, I began to have finger cramps. It was out of control. Everyone's jaws were dropped and even the old folks were pretending to play on their cell phones (I'm guessing Jitterbugs, but whatever).

So after all of this unfolds I get summoned to miss not so nice's desk and she tells me that I have an outstanding balance. I'm sorry? Apparently when I was preggo and had a bunch of blood work done my insurance didn't cover it and if I didn't pay it now I couldn't get my work done today (we're an hour into the wait time by the way). So I told her go ahead and put it on the card I gave her. Her response (not kidding), "This card? Are you sure? Is it good?" No dip I gave you a bogus card, seriously?

After I sit down the Walter Matthau look a like next to me asked how much longer he would have to sit there and threatened to leave if he wasn't called in 10 minutes. He was called 20 minutes later. Then Ms. Springer's boyfriend comes back, they make up and she channels her craziness on the broad behind the desk. A few profanities were thrown and she said she was leaving. I was waiting with baited breath for the chair to be thrown and for the room to erupt in a chorus of "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!". It would have been the icing on the proverbial cake.

Turns out there was only one person taking blood for all three rooms. Seriously. I finally got called back after 2 hours of waiting, oh and he remembered to wave my paperwork to the whole waiting room, with my credit card on top. Hollar. Did I mention this was blood work that I had to fast for? Right, it's now almost 11 am. So this guy decides to be funny. Dude, I haven't had coffee, water, tea, food, anything since 8 last night, you're not funny. I was done within minutes. Then he handed me a survey to fill out about my experience. Ooooooh you betcha Mr. Not Really Funny, you betcha.