The One With All the Sh*t

Today I was going to blog about what an awesome time we had at EPCOT yesterday and how Aaron was totally smitten with Belle, but then our day got crappy....literally.

So after I put the kids to bed last night I walked into our bathroom and found our toilet overflowing and water all over the floor (enough that I needed a shop vac). So I text Scott and said "We have a problem" and proceed to shut off the water and clean up the mess. Then I went to empty the shop vac and noticed it was never emptied from when we had an explosion with the stuffing from the bean bag chairs. Now I have water and bean bag stuffing all congealed together. A handful of profanities came out of my mouth and I called my Dad. This is the conversation:

Dad: Hello (which sounds like Helllllllllllllll-o)
Me: So my toilet is overflowing, there was water everywhere and now the shop vac is full of water and bean bag filling.
Dad: Sh*t, did you shut the water off?
Me: First thing I did. Could it be from the float?
Dad: Yeah the float could not be catching and that would cause it.
Me: Awesome. So now what do I do with this shop vac full of water?
Dad: Well you can't pour it down the drain.
Me: Obviously.
Dad: (pause) You gotta big black garbage bag?
*Side note, 9 times out of 10 a big black garbage bag is the solution to the problem*
Me: Um, no, but I do have a garbage bag.
Dad: Just dump it in there, want me to stay on the line?
Me: Um, no, that's ok, I'll just make Scott do it.
Dad: Ok, are you going to adjust the float?
Me: Um, no it's all rusty and nasty.
Dad: Make Scott do it.
Me: Exactly. Ok, I'll let you know.

So I go into our other bathroom and the toilet won't flush. Like any normal person I start to plunge the toilet and water starts coming up in the bathtub. Again, please insert profanities. I text Scott "Dude, serious problem, 911". I still haven't heard from him because he's teaching. So I call my Dad back.

Dad: Did it work?
Me: Ummmmmmm I have water coming up in my bathtubs, yes plural.
Dad: Holy sh*t, you have something in your pipes.
Me: Awesome.
Dad: Oh man....do you think the kids flushed something.
Me: I have no idea.
Dad: Yeah you're going to have to call a plumber.
Me: Awesome.

Finally Scott calls and this is our conversation:

Scott: What's going on?
Me: Ummmmmmmmmmm sooooooooooooooo our toilet overflowed and there was water all over the bathroom floor. I shut off the water and cleaned it up, but the shop vac was never emptied so that's going to have to be dumped and cleaned.
Scott: Ok.....
Me: Oh and the other toilet won't flush....
Scott: Ok..............
Me: And now there's water coming up both bathtubs.
Scott: Ummmmm ok. Is it coming up the sinks?
Me: Well sh*t I didn't think about the sinks. No, not coming up the sinks.
Scott: Ok that's good. How about the water, turn on the water is it clear or brown?
Me: I'm sorry say what?
Scott: The water...
Me: Yeah got that...it's clear, thank God, that would have been gross.
Scott: Let me make a few calls.

I would like to mention that Scott was impressed that I turned off the water right away. I looked at him and said "Um why wouldn't I? That's the first you do." and he said most women usually don't do that. Well, most women don't have my Dad as their father. He taught me a lot of home maintenance stuff before I left for college. Granted most included, "If that doesn't work call the landlord".

So two hours and $399 later we have clear pipes. What was the problem? A blockage which was caused by roots growing in the pipes. Awesome, right? Oh and here's the kicker, the home warranty company we have won't cover the cost to fix it because it was a blockage, not a problem with the pipes. Here's our discussion on that:

Scott: They are saying they won't cover this because it was a blockage.
Me: But the blockage was caused by the roots which are from a cracked pipe.
Scott: Right you can't have roots in a pipe unless there is a crack in the pipe.
Me: Roots in the pipe and a crack in the pipe and a pipe in the hole and the hole in the ground and the green grass grows all around and around and the green grass grows all around.

Clearly I was delirious at this point. At some point this will be hilarious and a great story, right now it's a major headache that no amount of Excedrin can handle. It's also brought me to the conclusion that our house is probably buried on an Indian burial ground or something of the sort. I'm thinking of having our pastor come and bless the house because I seriously cannot handle any more issues with this house.