My Phobias AKA Why I Hate Squirrels

The other day we were celebrating a coworkers birthday with some super delicious ice cream cake from Publix (seriously, it's so good that it deserved a mention) and the squirrel came up. Have I mentioned the squirrel?

Last week, Jesi found an injured squirrel outside of our building and being the good-natured person that she is, she brought it INSIDE to care for it. I was late that day because I had to take the kiddos to school, so when I arrived and came to grab some coffee, Alyssa was cuddling something. I thought it was Jesi's new puppy (notice how I do not question a puppy being in the office). Alyssa, knowing full well that I do not like squirrels, encourages me to come closer and shows me the creature. I almost hit the wall.

I am not a fan of squirrels.

Now, I told you this to tell you about the conversation that unfolded whilst enjoying the Neapolitan ice cream cake (which next to cookies n' cream is the best flavor, just sayin'). We started talking about the squirrel and how I do not like them, then it turned to my fear of the arboretum on campus and then various other fears. So I've decided to make a list with explanations for my fears. Buckle up kids, this is a long list....

Squirrels

I do not like them. I wouldn't say I'm paralyzed with fear, but when I knew that squirrel was in the next office, I had a hard time breathing. I trace this fear back to Valentine's Day in preschool when a squirrel was in my house and my brother tried to trap it.

Clowns

I mean really, who actually likes clowns? My fear comes from two different places, Pee-Wee's Big Adventure (still cannot watch the clown scene) and my sister-in-law's parents lake house which was decorated with photos and figurines of clowns.

Ducks

I don't like ducks. I'm terrified they are going to bite me or poop on me, or do both simultaneously. I trace this fear back to the time my sister attempted to feed to the ducks when I was a baby. There is photographic evidence of this event.

The Arboretum 

On campus we have an amazing arboretum, or so they say. I am not one with nature. When we took the tour of this spacious nature filled deathtrap I immediately stopped talking and did a lot of shallow breathing. What if the lady kicked me out of the golf cart? I would be lost in the wilderness and probably eaten by a bear or gator or bitten by a poisonous snake. Possibly all three.

Bodies of water

I do not go into bodies of water past my shin. Why? There are live creatures in there and I cannot see the bottom. Plus, I stepped in a bed of crabs once and have been traumatized ever since.

Birds

They are filthy disease ridden creatures that poop on you. Plus, they have talons and razor sharp beaks. Enough said.

Balloons

Not necessarily balloons, but the sound they make when they rub together and most definitely when they pop. Every graduation ceremony is my own personal hell.

Snakes

I'm from Chicago, I don't do snakes. In my opinion, they are all poisonous and will unhinge their jaw to swallow me whole.

Bridges over bodies of water

I have a fear that the bridge will collapse and my car will plummet into the shark infested water.

Heights

Ironic since I'm super tall, but yes. I do not like being high up because I'm terrified of falling.

Dark enclosed spaces

You can ask Scott, I almost had a panic attack in the caves on Tom Sawyer Island this weekend. I can be claustrophobic at times (one of the reasons I do not care for elevators) so when you add darkness that only adds to the sheer panic I am feeling.

Albino geckos

We have these albino geckos in our area and they scare the ever living out of me. I don't know if it's their beady red eyes of what, but I will lose my mind if one gets in the house. Just ask Scott.

I think this is it. I honestly have no idea, but those are the ones that jump out at me in a nonthreatening way.

Please tell me you all have similar fears.